You may have experienced this over the recent festive season, when many of us spend more time in close contact with our relatives than usual. This can sometimes bring simmering tensions to the surface.
An argument can start over a lot of things, from politics to each other’s behaviour – something anyone who spends much time on social media will be familiar with. But the stronger the view, the more intense and complex an argument can become.
So, what can you do to avoid a minor argument becoming a major row – whether online or face-to-face? As an expert in social interactions, I think paying attention to what someone says – and how they say it – is crucial, along with learning how to avoid responding in ways that might blow up in your face.
Remember, disagreements are a normal part of life and relationships. But here are three key tips for how to avoid them escalating into something more serious.
- Manage escalation
If you disagree with someone, stay in the conversation in a productive way by avoiding using direct insults. Also, take care to avoid actions that may put the other person on the back foot, such as accusing, complaining or mocking them.
We tend to put a lot of emphasis on the content of an argument, and also on our assumptions about what the other person “really thinks”. What is the argument about? Is it just a misunderstanding – or is it a matter of personality, where one party is biased or has some ulterior motive?
We care very much whether the person actually believes what they are saying. Research suggests we often resent people playing “devil’s advocate” outside of certain settings.
But you cannot truly know someone’s intentions, so it’s a good idea to avoid thinking the worst about the person you are arguing with. Otherwise, you might unfairly talk to them as if they’re being manipulative, unfair, damaging or thoughtless.
- Be open-minded
Sometimes, what someone has said may sound (and feel) pretty awful. When this happens, keep two things in mind.
First, nothing we say has just one meaning. There are often multiple interpretations, and you cannot always trust the first one that leaps to mind when you’re in the heat of the moment.
During an argument, it’s worth slowing down and thinking through all possible interpretations. Consider asking for a moment to think, or getting a cup of tea to distract both of you from an escalation.
Second, if what the person is saying still sounds negative no matter how charitable you try to be, ask them to explain more. This may not be easy to do, but people will often reveal what they meant if they have to elaborate. And helping them feel as if they are being carefully listened to might defuse a possible escalation.
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For the full article visit the Conversation.
ENDS